Barbara Smith

The first time I saw Red, she was picking daisies. She was making them into a little chain and singing a slushy song about the pain of love. It was the singing that attracted my attention. She had her back towards me when I moseyed over to take a look and all that I could see was this fantastic auburn hair. It looked like a waterfall at sunset. Then she turned around and my heart did a giant flip flop. I mean, this girl was seriously beautiful. Those fabulous green eyes and that red, pouting mouth, oh man.

Usually I just jump right in, with one of those jackpot pickup lines like, 'I've got some pillowcases at home that would match your hair beautifully', but suddenly someone has put paper-clips onto my vocal cords. All I can summon up is a little squeak.

"Hello," she said and turned on this thousand watt smile. My knees came over all wobbly then and I had to hang onto the fence, before I made a right turnip of myself.

"You're the one they call the wolf, aren't you?" She laughed and it sounded like one of those wind chime things that some people hang in their doorways. I managed a sort of grunt and she laughed again.

"My granny has told me all about you and your wicked ways, warned me to steer well clear." She glance at her watch. "Speaking of granny, I should have been there ages ago. I'll have to dash, bye." And then she was gone and I was in love.

I tried to think it through, while my knees trembled and my heart bounced around like a Ping-Pong ball. If she had been warned off me, then I would never get a chance to tell her how I felt. But I needed to tell her, needed to explain that my womanising days were over and I was hers forever. The problem was, how could I get her alone again?

Then I had a brilliant idea. If I could get to granny's house before Red and get granny out of the way somehow, I could have Red all to myself for a while. Half an hour and she would be mine for the taking, no problem.

Good job I knew all of the shortcuts in the district. I arrived at granny's house in record time. The old bat was in the garden, tending to her roses. I sneaked up behind her, threw her skirt over her head and bungled her into the woodshed, before she even got a glimpse of me. Now I needed a plan of action. If granny wasn't around and I was there alone, that might scare Red off before I could go into my, well practised routine.

That's when I had the brainwave. I could pretend to be granny. Tell her that I had met the wolf that morning and got talking to him. Say that he was really a very nice chap, not at all like he was portrayed. Then, after she had heard about my new image and gone on her way, I could retrace the shortcut and accidentally meet up with her again. It was brilliant!

Granny's night-dress was nearly as hideous as granny, but it had to be done. I had decided to be sick in bed when Red called. The bedroom was dark and dingy, perfect for my plan. I crawled into the bed and hid myself as best I could, under the enormous quilt. Just in time, I thought, as I heard my hearts desire calling for her granny.

"In here my sweet," I croaked. The door eased open and her gorgeous head appeared round it.

"Are you all right granny?" she sounded a bit worried.

"I've got a very bad cold darling, come and sit down next to your dear old gran." She sat next to the bed and peered at me through the gloom.

"You look different granny. Why are your eyes so big?"

"They're swollen with the cold dearie, but they feel all the better for seeing you."

"Have your ears swollen too?" She sounded a bit dubious now.

"They feel better from just hearing your voice my love."

"Surely your teeth haven't swollen as well?" She was downright suspicious now. By this time she was leaning right over the bed, our noses almost touching. Those delicious lips swam before my eyes and passion got the better of me. I made a lunge for her.

She was quick, I'll give her that and she must have had some pretty good self defence training. Because, when her fist connected with my nose, I swear I saw stars. Before the room had stopped spinning, she landed me another right hook and that is when I passed out. I don't know how long I was gone, but when I came round the police had arrived.

At the station I tried to explain that I had done it for love. The Sergeant wasn't impressed. I tried to tell my solicitor as well, but he wasn't impressed either. As for the judge, he was least impressed of all; gave me twelve months for false imprisonment and deception.

I can't believe the place that they have sent me to, it's worse than a zoo. Still, it's an ill wind and all that jazz. Made the headlines in the local rag. They printed the whole story, including my protestations of innocence. When Red heard my side of things, she took pity on me. Wrote to me, asking if she could visit, so it looks like I'm going to get a chance to sweet talk her at last.